I’ll be fine, really. But sometimes I just can’t believe how overcome I get. Last night I cried and cried because I feel so guilty for all this. I know I didn’t choose to have cancer, and I don’t choose to milk every family member and friend we have of time, energy, money and resources, but I can’t help sometimes feeling like a burden. Especially when I think of the girls’ futures. Most people have the advantage of having adult children when they are diagnosed with cancer, or kids who are already in college. Are my kids going to college? I don’t know. Will we ever live in anything besides the “starter home” we live in now? I don’t know. Will we ever be able to dig ourselves out of this medical debt? I don’t know. Will I complete all this cancer treatment only to find out in a year that it has recurred? I don’t know. Will I eventually lose my battle with cancer? I don’t know.
With so many unknowns, it’s hard to keep my positive attitude and just hope everything works out. Daily I struggle with looking back: before the First Church drama, before diagnosis, before AOL laid Chris off, before things spiraled out of control. I know in my head it’s not healthy to look back, but my heart is taking awhile to catch up. My heart still aches for the hope and security we felt when things were finally going well.
Oh God, how long will you allow us to struggle? Haven’t I trusted you? Please show yourself to us in a way that is real and powerful, help me believe you are still with us!
Anonymous says:
Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you today to ask you to put your arms around your dear child and give her strength during this difficult time in her life. It is so hard to understand why things happen, please help her to understand and to trust in you. With you all things are possible. Just help her to take one day at a time .Please let her know that there are so many people who love her (especially me) and will be there through all of this. I thank you for all you have done in our lives and I ask to watch over this family today. In your name I pray, Amen.
May 29th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Anonymous says:
I love and respect you for your honesty. You don’t hide behind smiles, yet at the same time, you don’t cower behind your cancer. That is such a testament to your character. Thank you.
May 29th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Anonymous says:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you , not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Where you are, I have placed you. What you have, I have given you. What you do, I will show you. Whatever you need, I will supply. - God
May 29th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Anonymous says:
I’m still praying for you. I know that your experience with cancer must be so difficult, but God only gives us what situations He thinks we can handle. I know that this statement must sound “cliche” at the moment, but He will see you through every struggle and every blessed moment in your life. You have family and friends who love you and care about you. God bless!
May 30th, 2007 at 12:55 am
Anonymous says:
trust me i am sure your family doesnt think that your putting them out, i am sure they are willing to do much more if it meant saving your life. I think the value of life is worth much more than any money or things or time. So dont look at it as you are putting people out.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Anonymous says:
Don’t let Satan get you in this battle… He wants desperately to find any way to defeat you… You are stronger than this with God’s strength… I am praying for you and I know that God will get the glory through all of this. you just keep on keeping on and doing what you know is right and best for you and your family. Your heart will catch up.
Praying for you!
May 30th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Anonymous says:
sweetie, thanks for being so vulnerable. God has great things in store for you. Just think of how He is going to use this battle to reach others. You are a strong woman and I admire you so much!
May 30th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Anonymous says:
thanks for being there for me.. i am thinking of you and praying.
June 1st, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Anonymous says:
One of my favorite verses is from Psalm 27- paraphrased here “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.” I am believing in the goodness of the Lord for you! Thank you for your honesty! Cancer sucks and being sad and frustrated are perfectly normal and acceptable emotions.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:38 pm