I only have three more weeks of rads left, not five, like I thought. Wooo! I did a new mold today where I will lay on my side with my arm over my head so they can zap me at a different angle.
Not once have I felt angry or hopeless in all this. Until yesterday. I had dropped the girls off and was heading to radiation when this woman pulled up in the car next to me at a stop light. She was puffing on a cigarette and staring at me like I was some kind of monster. I realize I have no hair, I assume that’s what she was staring at. I don’t know for sure, but I did become fully self aware and I started to cry. Then I said something to her that came out of the depths of me, of course I would have never said it to her face, the light turned green and she was long gone, but I said “This should be YOU with cancer, you old lady with a cigarette.” Then I realized what I had said. I don’t wish cancer on anyone, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was I spent my entire life following the rules, I’ve never smoked a day in my life, live as healthy as possible…and I got cancer. The lady with the cigarette was a representative of all the injustice I’ve felt. I let it well up inside of me the past year and I didn’t even know it was there! I had to pull off the side of the road because I was now weeping and screaming at God. I couldn’t see straight. My head was throbbing and my eyes stung from the tears. God, I don’t deserve this, look at my family, look at my life, how I’ve served you with everything from the time I was a little kid. I don’t deserve this God!” It felt good to get it out, even to yell at God (which I have never really done before!) and then He responded like this. He spoke straight to my heart:
“No, you don’t deserve this, Kari. Remember, I hurt when you hurt. You don’t deserve the love and mercy I have extended to you either. You know I will always love you.”
And there was my answer. I have done nothing to deserve cancer, but I also cannot do anything to deserve or earn His love. He loves me because He is God, and God is Love. He has given me blessing after blessing, and He is sufficient for me. I can’t expect life to go perfect just because I am a Christian. Life’s not fair, regardless of who your god is. But I know that in the end, I will see a purpose and a plan unfolded as to why I had to go through what I did. And hopefully it will be all worthwhile.
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