I’ll be fine, really.  But sometimes I just can’t believe how overcome I get.  Last night I cried and cried because I feel so guilty for all this.  I know I didn’t choose to have cancer, and I don’t choose to milk every family member and friend we have of time, energy, money and resources,  but I can’t help sometimes feeling like a burden.  Especially when I think of the girls’ futures.  Most people have the advantage of having adult children when they are diagnosed with cancer, or kids who are already in college.  Are my kids going to college?  I don’t know.  Will we ever live in anything besides the “starter home” we live in now?  I don’t know.  Will we ever be able to dig ourselves out of this medical debt?  I don’t know.  Will I complete all this cancer treatment only to find out in a year that it has recurred?  I don’t know.  Will I eventually lose my battle with cancer?  I don’t know.

With so many unknowns, it’s hard to keep my positive attitude and just hope everything works out.  Daily I struggle with looking back: before the First Church drama, before diagnosis, before AOL laid Chris off, before things spiraled out of control. I know in my head it’s not healthy to look back, but my heart is taking awhile to catch up.  My heart still aches for the hope and security we felt when things were finally going well. 

Oh God, how long will you allow us to struggle?  Haven’t I trusted you?  Please show yourself to us in a way that is real and powerful, help me believe you are still with us!

It was the end of the session in gymnastics and Gracie got a medal and a certificate of completion.  I can’t believe how she has progressed!  She loves it, and I’m so glad she’s into something that helps her stay active and fit. 

and a slide show for your entertainment:

Hair update: So far it’s blonde and looks kinda curly…

Radiation update:  Almost done, I have slight burning, but my nurses and doctors are all amazed at how much I didn’t burn! 

Some of you have asked about the magazine thing…in case you missed it, I’ll recap.  There’s a national magazine (I can’t say which one yet) that has an article coming out (I don’t know when) about me and my mom, and our family’s battle with breast cancer.  My grandmother and great-grandmother also had breast cancer, and with my having two girls, they were interested in the story.  It should be soon, I’ll let you know when it comes out. 

That has nothing to do with the magazine that Gracie’s going to be on, that’s a whole different deal altogether.  She’s going to be on the cover of MetroFamily magazine, because she won the contest that you all voted for her in…I’ll of course keep you updated on that too. 

Geez, so much media.  Just wait, I’m going to be on Oprah some day!

So we’ve had a photographer here this week who is doing the photo shoot for the big magazine (that I still can’t say what it is…) and it’s been insane!  She’s photographed breakfast, lunch, dinner, bathtime, us going to the zoo, and my radiation, and running errands at Target, to name a few. It’s exhausting to have a camera in your face all day.  Last count she had 24 rolls of film she’s going to be developing.  We have more tomorrow.  Sigh.  I just hope we get some good pictures.  I feel super fat in all of them, but hey…I have just been through the most traumatic experience of my life…so I guess I need to give myself a break.  But still…

And then after the photographer left this evening, Chris decided to cook something for dinner.  He went out to the freezer and this awful stench came out of it.  Apparently the guys who did the roof forgot to plug it back in when they borrowed the outlet last week.  We cleaned out all the rotten food and now there’s a bunch of meat blood in the bottom of the freezer.  Sick. 

Well, I have to go to bed.  I’m insanely tired and we have yet another photo shoot bright and early tomorrow morning! Okay, well, that’s all I’ve got.  Have a nice day!

Happy anniversary to me and Chris!  We’ve been married 7 years today!  Here’s a picture of when we were dating:

and 2 of our engagement pics:

Awwww!  Look how sweet and cute we were! (I know it’s probably hard for some of you to believe, but we don’t have any of our wedding photos on the computer–7 years ago we didn’t have all this newfangled technology and we sure as heck didn’t know why we needed to scan our pictures! I’m not sure why we have the engagement ones on here, actually…)

I love you, Chris, with all my heart.  Here’s to many more happy years as husband and wife, and as best friends.