I’m alright. Sorry about the sad last post. This past week I have not felt the peace of God but it wasn’t God’s fault at all. I was coasting through all this cancer stuff, depending on Him for everything. I was walking on water and I had all the faith in the world. But then my former church did another round of firing people and that brought up some painful emotional scars from the past, then we’re dealing with all the financial stuff that goes along with everyday life, plus cancer treatment, life got too busy, we found out our friends (Holland’s family) are moving away, and a then that $7000 bill came, Trinity’s teething, my house is a MESS, I realized how tired I truly am, and then I had this strange revelation: I AM A CANCER PATIENT. I looked at the circumstances and once I did, I started sinking fast! Lying there on the radiation table, my mind became cluttered with irrational thoughts, things I know are untrue, but at the time seemed very real. That I wasn’t worth this treatment, that I am a burden to my family and friends. That I am better off dead than having to go through all this crap to keep me alive, and for what? So I can work the rest of my life paying off treatment? I know those things are not truth. I know that is not what God says about me, but I started to believe them, because I was not focused on God getting me through. I peeked, just for second, at the circumstances around me and I freaked out. I thank you all for your ecards, cards, phone calls, comments, and encouragement to me and I am so glad that I have friends that can and will speak Truth to me when I need it. I have been able to put this past week down and look forward once again. I’m almost done! Why doubt God now? Why doubt myself? I am strong, I can do this! God is my strength and my victory.
Seems kind of off topic, but that’s so heavy up there, I can’t just leave you with that. Here’s something funny for you. Tonight on the way home Gracie said to Chris, “Daddy, when I grow up, I’m going to be a princess and the workers are going to build me a castle and you can be the Queen!” Hahahahahaha! Queen Daddy, has a nice ring to it, huh?
Anonymous says:
DO NOT FORGET… that in our weakness, He is made strong. I’m thankful for you because you are such an example to me of how to live w/ an unquenchable trust in the Lord… it is ok to have moments of weakness, you’ve been a rock through this entire process…your family is BLESSED to have you regardless of anything that’s going on… you are a blessing. Period.:)
April 27th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Anonymous says:
What a cute picture of Gracie and Trinity! Wow, it sounds like you have had A LOT on your plate lately! How sad that Holland and her family are moving away…
You have had a positive attitude through all of this, and it will be over before you know it. You have your friends, your family, your church, and your life - I’m still praying for you!
April 27th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Anonymous says:
I am PRAYING for you. {{{hugs}}} It is completely ok to have moments of doubt and grief, after all you are going through a lot of emotional and physical pain. I love you!
April 27th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Anonymous says:
Emma says that all the time, too! “You a pwincess, Holley’s a pwincess, and I pwincess….and Daddy’s the QUEEN!” hahaha
Fondue with you, me, and Julie sounds perfect!
So glad that God has given you truth and encouragement. I’ve been praying for you!
April 27th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Anonymous says:
I have been absent from Xanga and I have been a terrible friend. I’m sorry. I cried as I read this post– Obviously, Satan was having some fun with you. You ARE so worth it– I’m praying for you! I wish I could give you a hug right now and tell you in person that you truly are my hero. <3
April 28th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Anonymous says:
Do you know how much I admire you? I’m in awe, seriously. Because you have held it together and continue to, even if you feel weak sometimes. Most of the world would have jumped out the window or run away or worse. You inspire all of us. I know it’s hard and I have no idea what it feels like so it might not mean much when I say how brave you are, and beautiful, and amazingly strong, but know that I mean that with all my heart. God is going to bless you with long life and take care of you because we are all praying and believing that. He’s hearing all of us agreeing together for you, so even at times when your faith or strength is wobbly, we’re going to keep holding you up. A favorite line from my friend eLi’s song “Stand” goes: ”If you’re too tired to retreat, just stand.” Reminds me of Ephesians 6:13. Hey, a very Happy Birthday to lil’ Trinity!!! :)
April 28th, 2007 at 7:14 pm