If you’re gonna have to go through chemo, you’ll either go in kicking and screaming and still have to go through it anyways, or you’ll do it with a smile and make the best of it.  I think I’m going to try and make the best of it.  I hate that it came to this kind of illness to make me feel this way, but I’m cherishing my kids more, I look at my husband a little longer before we kiss, I talk to my friends more and I’ve reconnected with many of them.  When I sing, I really sing and when Trinity wakes up, I can’t wait to see her and when I hug Gracie goodnight, I squeeze just a little tighter than I used to.  Why did it take cancer to make me realize just how lucky I am? 

Monday, I meet my oncologist and have a consultation about chemotherapy.  I asked to see the room where I will be “infused” just so I know what to expect. I’ll be getting my port (for chemo IV) on Tuesday, this is my first operation. Then within the next week or so, we will start chemo. I’ll probably be feeling bad soon.  I don’t know if I’m going to feel like updating as often, but I promise, if you said “Call me, I’ll do anything…” I’ll be calling you!  LOL  Well, actually Meagan will be calling you.  See? I even have amazing friends that are organizing help for us! We’re so blessed!  

I’ve decided that I would feel a lot better about losing my hair if I could donate it to Locks Of Love.  It would go to make a wig for a child who had to go through chemo too!  I refuse to waste it by letting it fall out in chunks on my pillow or the floor! I bought my first hat tonight at Dillard’s.  My mom and the girls and I went to the mall for portraits and ended up having the best time just shopping and talking. My last hurrah at the mall for awhile, I suppose.  And it was a good one!  

Sorry this is all about me tonight.  I want to show you all the adorable portraits we got, so there will be a “girls” update soon!  

I met with my surgeon yesterday.  I really, really like him.  He sat with me and Janie, my Mother in law, for about 2 hours just going over the procedures and treatment plan.  Which is quite different than what we’d originally thought. 

Apparently, I have much more cancer than that original small biospy showed, so thank God for the doctors’ wisdom to go ahead with the MRI and nipple biopsy.  What they found was that the entire lump encasing the small cancer was also cancerous.  Wow.  It’s 3 inches by 1 1/2 inches.

I have to have two months of chemo before we do any treatment.  I cried, because I thought originally that I was so lucky not to have to have chemo.  I will lose my hair and I will probably be very sick.  How can I go through chemo and still manage my family?  I’m the mom, the one who holds us all together!  I get Chris to work, get Gracie up and ready for school, I care for Trinity, pay the bills, cook the meals, get up in the middle of the night if the girls need me, clean house, do the grocery shopping, etc.  I am not looking forward to this.

I have no other option at this point, because the tumor is so large, but to remove my right breast.  He said that he would do a reduction on the other side to match an implant, or I had a choice to remove them both.  My choice is to go ahead and remove them both for two reasons.  a) I will never have to worry about breast cancer coming back  b) I didn’t want one real, one fake, because they will look/feel different  So I’m having a double mastectomy. 

I will meet with the team of plastic surgeons to look at options here in the next few weeks.   He said he doesn’t see any reason why we can’t begin reconstruction right there in the operating room, after the mastectomy.  I won’t have them finished obviously, but I won’t look too weird coming out of surgery.    

After the mastectomy, I will have another two months of chemo to make sure there was no remnant on the chest wall or anywhere else.  This is more a precautionary measure I think but I will do what I have to to keep cancer out of me.  Then I will take a drug called Tamoxiphan that is supposed to also prevent cancer from coming back. 

As for my thoughts and feelings, well, I’m trying to be strong and realize that it doesn’t matter.  In the long run, this is one year in my whole life.  There will be good coming out of it, I can’t see it yet, but I know it is there.  When I’m not trying to be strong, I get overwhelmed.  I have a headache this morning.  I wonder about insurance co-pays and how sick chemo will make me, and my physical appearance for the first few months, with no hair and no real breasts. I worry about babysitters and Chris’ work schedule and doesn’t God know we need a second car???  So as you can see, there are too many logistics to work out to let myself worry right now.  I try to just let it go for now and realize He is in control.  He is not surprised by any of this, and He will get the glory for it all in the end.    

Sunday was good and bad.  From a series of events and some stupid dreams, I woke up with pure fear in my heart.  Going to church was almost worse.  Of course worship was awesome, and we’ve been doing a series called Finding God on Your iPod that’s been great. Except the sermon was about heaven, and considering I had suddenly awakened that morning thinking I was going to die in surgery, well…it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.  I cried through the whole experience.  I felt like an idiot.

Afterward, we went to the park to enjoy the day.  I know my surgery is coming up, so I guess I want to spend every moment cherishing the girls and Chris while I can, so that when I’m recovering, they won’t feel so neglected.  We picked up McDonald’s and went to the park for a picnic.  It was wonderful.

Gracie and her favorite, an apple juice box:

Trinity was bored.

Gracie conquered the little slide.  Then she went on the BIG slide!

My surgeon’s nurse called today a couple hours before my consultation appointment.  She said he had an emergency and she needed to cancel!  I almost started to cry, because Chris took off work, Meagan and Robin were going to babysit, we had a plan worked out for gymnastics…it takes a lot to plan an appointment like this because it involved all four of us, not just me!  I was upset because I’ve worked for 4 doctors in my life, 3 of them would have considered a round of golf in this beautiful weather a very appropriate cancel-my-appointments-tell-them-it’s-an-emergency kind of day. But there was a wreck on the highway last night and my doctor is also does transplants, so the guy needing a heart or whatever got priority. A new perspective indeed, I’m happy to give up my appointment for someone who has a second chance at life.   We rescheduled for tomorrow, so I’ll let you know something then!  Hopefully I’ll get to have my surgery on Friday.  I’m ready to get it all over with.

It’s probably not healthy to keep doing comparisons like this, but it’s so fun to look at them at the same age in the same outfit and see how alike (and different) they are!! Trinity’s the top and Gracie’s on bottom.  JoJo looks old, geez! Look how white she is now!

Oh–and Gracie got her first Scholastic book order today!  I was more excited than she was, probably.  We got home and read them all!  Don’t ask me what that face is for.  She’s just weird. 

The MRI was not fun, but I had a valium so at least it was tolerable.  The biopsy, different story.  I cried like a little kid, seriously.  It was more pain than I’ve ever felt before and I’m not really one to complain about pain (back pain, headaches my whole life, oral surgery, natural childbirth…) So far though, the MRI showed that there is no other place on my body that has cancer in it, praise God!  As long as the biopsy comes back clean, then we’re all ready to conquer this cancer! I can’t wait to talk to my surgeon on Monday.  I’m excited at the possibility that this can all be over by Christmas. 

***(Sorry these pictures aren’t that great.  They’re taken with my picture phone, until I can get my normal camera to connect back to the computer!)***

Gracie drew  this at school today.  It’s Daddy.  Like his eyebrows?  That’s my favorite part!  LOL

Trinity and her peas. Yummy!

Gracie’s morning glories.  She picks them for Owen, her boyfriend.  Today she told me she is thinking about marrying Owen.  Hmmmm…

Today when I took Gracie to preschool, we were standing there with several other mothers and children.  Gracie looks up and says to them, “Mommy’s boobies are sick”  Hahaha.  Then of course, I have to explain that I have breast cancer, which opens up all kinds of conversations.  But I’m still surprising myself at the fact that I’m not really that upset about it all.  Yes, I have moments of uncertainty, but I know there are wonderful treatments to help me and I can’t NOT trust God, after everything He’s brought us through.  I have no reason not to trust Him.  That’s really a great place to be! 

EDIT for some more adorableness (now that my computer has re-introduced itself to my camera…)

Same blanket, same outfit…but who is who?

Gracie (top) 5 months.  Trinity (bottom) 4 months and 4 weeks…sometimes they look alike and sometimes they don’t.  Weird. 

Cheerful Trinity: